Meaningful Holidays
There is a natural human impulse to make certain times special. How and what we celebrate is part of what gives us our identity. And yet, when I think of children like Alicia, who’s 11, I sometimes wish there were no holidays. Alicia has anxiety disorder and she needs a lot of structure in her life to avoid feeling stressed out.
“When there is a whole crowd of people and a lot going on,” her mother Sarah says, “Alicia just tenses up. Everything bothers her: this isn’t right, she needs that, she can’t eat those, she hates wearing a dress, she doesn’t want to play with her cousins because they’re too loud. And she worries. When will they pass out presents? When is dinner? What if it’s something she doesn’t like? Will she have to eat with the older kids? When they do pass out presents, what if nobody likes what she got them?’ Pretty soon she says she feels sick to her stomach. Or she just bursts into tears.”
Like many children with anxiety disorder, Alicia responds to small worries with all the emotional and physical reactions most of us experience when we are greatly at risk. She can only relax when she can anticipate what will happen and has some measure of control over events. Her mother understands that, and does a great job of preparing Alicia for new experiences. She knows when something is likely to be a problem.
“We have to go to my husband’s mom for Christmas every year and I’m really dreading it,” Sarah says. “My husband and I can’t enjoy ourselves, Alicia sure won’t enjoy herself, and the rest of the family are beginning to think of our child as a real pain.” This is not Sarah’s only worry. “Alicia has almost as much trouble at school that week before break. What if she doesn’t get picked to perform in the school pageant? What if she does? What if the present she buys for Secret Santa isn’t something people think is cool?” Alicia’s mom sighed. “One problem is her distress. The other is how people are coming to think of her.”
Fortunately there are many things a parent can do to help a child like Alicia enjoy the holidays, spend time with friends and family, and experience a meaningful celebration. Children who experience anxiety disorder need to know in advance exactly what’s happening. What looks like pickiness or standoffishness is often a desperate attempt to control circumstances that seem overwhelming to the child. Just as many adults enjoy planning surprises for their children, and create a hectic bustle of parties and gatherings that their children will find exhilarating, parents like Sarah can prepare for a good winter break by making sure there are no surprises, and that there are ways for her child to manage the sensory overload of crowds and festivities.
The first thing to do is to call the school and find out exactly what the holiday schedule will include. Winter Pageant. Rehearsals. Holiday Party. Ask what exactly will happen during each event, then put the details on a calendar and talk to your child about them. Ask the teacher if your child can have non-stressful roles, such as decorating for the party or making costumes for the pageant. If children exchange presents in the classroom, have the teacher suggest some gifts that have been regarded as a good present in past years.
The next step is to think about vacation. The unstructured time of a school break is bliss for most children, but children who need structure are just going to rattle around the house wondering what they are supposed to be doing. So on the same calendar plan some things that will help your child prepare for the holidays and that have real meaning. These should be events the child can enjoy without being in the spotlight: going to a carol service; making a holiday ornament or gift, going with you to prepare meals in a shelter.
If there are gifts to buy, talk to your child about what each person on the list would really enjoy. Discussing what other people like will help your child think less about worries. Thinking of gifts to make or bake is a good idea. But if crafts and cooking aren’t your child’s—or your—strong point, make a list together of everyone’s interests and plan a trip to a bookstore. Who in the family would like the book on gardening? The graphic novel about zombies? The collection of puzzles?
Skipping Christmas at a family member’s house is probably not an option, but there are ways of making the experience easier. Some children are not comfortable in holiday clothes (I still remember the parent who told me her 6‑year-old son, unwillingly put on a sailor suit, looked at himself in the mirror and said, “I look like a perfect fool.”) Make a stressful experience easier by choosing an outfit together well in advance.
To prepare for a party at another family member’s house (for example, a grandmother’s) call the week before and ask if your child can come and help grandmother prepare by decorating the house or helping with some of the cooking, or setting the table and making place cards. That way the child will spend some meaningful time with her relative, will know what will be happening, and will have more of a stake in the event going well. The child will know the menu in advance, and you can discuss the polite way of dealing with foods the child does not enjoy, which is to take a small portion, and say nothing.
Another part of good preparation is to explain to family members that the child has an anxiety disorder. Ask the relative who will be your host to suggest a good place to sit quietly away from the festivities. For example, is there a room where your child could put a holiday puzzle together? The structure of the activity would be calming, and if an uncle or cousin joined the child for a few moments hunting for a piece of the sky or the missing bird’s beak, it could be a companionable activity.
We all have a vision of a perfect holiday. The trouble comes in trying to make everything fit into the same vision. Not everyone enjoys the same things. If your child is happiest on the periphery of the action, give the gift of understanding by accepting your child’s needs.
Click here for information on RNBC’s Stress and Anxiety Clinic